I called the investigators out on being liars. They told me on the phone that I’d get a copy of what was said during the interviews. Never got it.

I’m also demanding the dean of students to tell me where it says that students will be forced into an investigation. 

The investigators still won’t tell me anything.
Read the email and cried hysterically.
My family wants me to focus on something else but that’s not possible.
Nothing good to focus on.
I don’t wanna get out of bed.

I can hear my mom saying that she’s going to keep buying vodka. 


Now my mom is once again an alcoholic. 

I just want to die.

My mom is too wasted to communicate with and forgot that she sent me a drunk email. 

What a lovely situation to come home to.

She also took my meds.

I hate this.

Dean of students emailed me saying that I don’t have to do that alcohol workshop thing! I guess somebody told her that I am super pissed because nobody responded to the pissed email I just sent— yet I got this… And I didn’t even email it to her this time.

…And that if I stay next year I can join a team of students to help reform some policies and inform students on rape and assault.

I cackled when I read it.

My dad is coming to get me since I am so unstable.

I am seriously considering suing my school. My family thinks otherwise.

I just sent a very angry email asking more questions to the investigators and to the head of housing. 


I would like to know the details of what _____ said to you during the investigation. I was told by somebody that I could have a copy of what he said. I want to know. 
Also, I would like to know exactly where in what handbook that is says that the school MUST force the victim into an investigation if the victim goes to the health center. The health center is supposed to be CONFIDENTIAL. If it isn’t confidential there should be a BIG SIGN somewhere so that the student will know what would happen if they speak up about a rape. I did not want an investigation. I suffered greatly because of it. And it didn’t even go my way. I am very angry about it. I just want to know where it says that the doctors had to report it to security and from there it turns into an investigation. Because if it was in the student handbook, I would have noticed that. It’s not there. You’re trapping victims when they may not want to go forward with an investigation of any kind. And that is not okay. 
Lilly ___”

Now I get to go to the student art show where my rape doll is being showcased and I am super pissed off and I just want to fucking scream. 

I just want to scream

Found out that I can’t really sue Pace. 

But I still want to for the hell they put me through.

In order to report a rape that happened in another state you must contact those local police officers, not the ones near you.

And without physical evidence, it’s close to 0% likely that the rapist will go behind bars.

I’m actually nervous to meet the NYPD and ask specific questions… one of which includes asking if I should sue Pace. 

May have to take a klonopin before I go. 

My sister said I should be careful with what I say so that I don’t end up with another investigation on my hands. But I think that’s avoidable. 

Cancelled therapy to go to the full NYPD thing. I feel like I’m going to be the only one there. In which case I get to ask anything and everything I want. 

Today there’s an NYPD session on what happens when you report rape. I have therapy during the majority of it… But I may show up for the last chunk and just ask about it… Even though I know I wouldn’t report to police at this point. It’d be nice to know.
But of course they tell you the ideal prettified version.

Well last night was from hell.

Let’s see if today is any better…