3 melatonins
3 tramadols
And 6 klonopins
In one day
Just to make it through the day
On top of the 100mg pristiq
That’s a lot


And now I can’t sleep.
3 klonopins tonight.
Which means I may have taken 6 today in total.
Too angry and nervous to sleep.


I went on another Pace bashing spree on twitter. 

I just really want to say FUCK YOU to them but I don’t know if that’s appropriate.

I also want to say YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER WITHIN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS SO FUCK YOU.

But that’s not okay either. I also don’t want to give them the heads up.

I want them to literally go like “fuckkkkkk”

Once they know about it I’ll make it public. 


My fears of my hair being pulled are legitimate. I was purposefully trying to downplay it to make it sound silly in my mind but it didn’t work.

My hair is so long it’s impossible for a hair stylist not to pull it. 

How is it that none of my other rapists pulled my hair? I feel like it’s just a common occurrence but it isn’t with me. 



Q
Haircuts: Everytime I experience a bright spot, take a good step forward, overcome a hurdle I trim. Ends up about half an inch per month. Cost efficient because I do my own or a close friend. Good for hair growth. Satisfying for my beauty soul. Wish you luck, and remember it takes about a week for any haircut to settle in shape, your mind and others'!
Anonymous
A

Heh thanks! 

I used to get them about once a year or so.

But they’re expensive and I’ve been growing it out to see how long it can get after I got one of my shortest bobs ever. 

I’ll probably get a bob again come spring. Long hair drives me insane but it’s fun to have since the last time it’s been this long I was about 16. 

Random fact: I got my hair chopped off into a bob after my first rape… not just for myself… but in order to look different so if I did bump into him he wouldn’t recognize me. 


daniiphae:

This is very hard for me at this moment in my life to express my heart/mind to the world, but I will say these last few months have been the worst months of my life. I was dating someone (J$tash) that abused me verbally ,emotionally and physically throughout the end duration of our relationship. Monday morning on September 15th 2014 my life was forever, changed. A person I thought and believed I could trust, whom I gave my love/time/energy to brutally punched me in my face repeatedly with his fists while I became slowly unconscious covered in blood in his brooklyn apartment bed. After he was done he told me to not tell anyone to not tell my friends, He also started to prepare legal action to protect himself in case I pressed charges against him. He cried and became unstable within his emotions and was apologetic towards his actions, but would continue to say i did this to myself.

He then boarded a flight to Japan a few hours after and has been sending me text messages claiming he will destroy me even more than he already did. He said he will ruin my life! I got brutally beaten for confronting him on infidelity which caused him to become violent in an instant.

Do not interpret this as a cry for help this is honestly a decision to speak up against domestic violence for those who cant due to the manipulative acts our abusers inflict on us to never speak up and for those who didn’t survive because of brutal domestic violence.

I will not allow myself to sit in the shadows of darkness and disrespect myself for not taking a stand.

I am speaking out for all my women!

Be brave this is what bravery looks like.


Abuser: Justin Joseph / J$tash

(via rosewaterchants)


stoptellingwomentosmile:

I walked up to a woman as she was taking a picture of this piece and she told me that, to her, as a Brooklyn native, “You Are Not Entitled To My Space” made her also think of gentrification.

stoptellingwomentosmile:

I walked up to a woman as she was taking a picture of this piece and she told me that, to her, as a Brooklyn native, “You Are Not Entitled To My Space” made her also think of gentrification.



I’m treating myself to a haircut tomorrow. I didn’t get it cut in over a year and I really need a trim and layers. 

I am excited for it. I think it’ll just feel really nice. 

But there is a small part of me that’s nervous because my last rapist pulled my hair and that’s something I really do remember. People don’t pull my hair on purpose. It just hadn’t happened before. I’m definitely over-thinking this. 



Q
I've been married for4years with ups and downs. I was abused as a child both sexually and verbally. When we escaped, I vowed to never fall into 'that kind of relationship' ever again. Fast forward to getting married and I'm so ashamed of what I have allowed when I was so determined as a kid. He's hit me, broken a glass over my head, pushed me clear off the bed, broken my stuff and constantly digs at me/puts me down. I believe this is abuse now I can take a step back. I've kept a log as I go
Anonymous
A

You have the written proof. You need to get out. Start by finding another place to live. You can call the police and tell them that he’s been abusive for years. They can potentially arrest him on the spot. …. Especially during a dispute that’s currently going on and you call 911. 

You will need to find a lawyer for the divorce. And those I heard are expensive. You can get a legal separation while still remaining married for a while if that works. The proof of abuse will allow you to move out ASAP because usually they like to see that “you are trying to work things out and not just leaving.” 


I’m honestly too tired to think clearly.


Q
I'm so mad right now. I'm mad I was assaulted over the weekend. But more than that I'm mad that last year I was psychologically-sexually assaulted by a doctor. I'm mad that 4 years ago when I was barely an adult someone 10 years my senior sexually manipulated me. I'm mad that I've been physically assaulted. I'm mad I can't remember what happened when I was a kid but mad it happened. I'm mad I can't get away from the feeling that my body will never belong to me. I'm mad I have no one to talk to.
Anonymous
A

You can talk to me.

You can talk to people on pandys.org.

You can always talk to somebody on a hotline.

We might be faceless. But we are still people. And we do care about you and want you to feel better.

Your body is yours. It has always been yours. Just there are moments in time where it gets hijacked. That’s how I’m trying to see it personally. I am in full control of my body right now at this moment. And so do you. You are not threatened by another. You’re just sad, angry, confused, and depressed. And it’s understandable. 

What happened in the past is in the past. It feels present and constant because it has happened frequently and because you have PTSD. But it really is in the past. Time keeps going. Which sucks in a way because it shows how much time we are spending trapped in the past. But at the same time it separates us even more from the incidents. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, it is. 


I can’t stay focused on anything anymore. Not really.

Like in the beginning of classes I’m trying so hard and then there are moments where I’m just sitting there, depressed. A few times I wanted to cry. But of course I won’t do that. Today in psych I bit my lip a lot during the nature vs. nurture discussion. 

It’s like I’m trying to make a clay bowl be symmetrical and I’m thinking “rape rape rape sue Pace rape rape rape I want to die just fuck this.”

And in photography the teacher drives me crazy so I am argumentative with her. And never in my whole entire life have I ever really argued with a professor. She is an authority figure that I simply just don’t agree with. And after Pace I can’t deal with bullshit anymore. I just can’t. So then after class I just get super frustrated and either scream on the phone or just cry hysterically. 

But I can cry hysterically and scream on the phone any day, after any class, really. 

Today I did that just because I bought a lightbulb that was shattered in its box and I had to change out of my skirt which made me cry even more and have a panic attack. And then I was late for class. And I’m never late for class. Ever.