I’m in tears and I just sent my mom an angry email.
[TW] Trigger Warning. This is where survivors of rape/abuse/assault may come and share their stories. I myself am a survivor of rape, abuse, and assault. I currently suffer from PTSD. The Ask Box is ALWAYS open; anon or not. Please share what's on your mind. I am here to help.
I’m in tears and I just sent my mom an angry email.
I wish that my friends or family had encouraged me to go to the hospital the night of Nov. 12, 2010 or the next day. Everybody in my close circle knew about it, not so much the details exactly, but knew that it happened and that I did say no. I just don’t think I said how bad it really was just because I was still in denial. But with encouragement I think I may have given in and gone to get a rape kit. Especially if my family told me to.
But it took my mother months to fully understand that it was rape and that I was emotionally damaged because of it.
I just burst into tears in the car when talking to my mother about how I’ll never know what it’ll be like if I had reported my rapists and that they get to move on with their lives, forget about me, and I can never ever do that.
Articles are like essays. They need to come to a conclusion and can’t jump around too much.
That’s why they tend to focus on one main aspect. It makes it easier and shorter. People tend to read shorter articles. Especially nowadays.
Maybe the only thing that can tie all my stories together is the fear involved with reporting them at all, knowing that it’s so unlikely that they will even go to jail.
My rapists, these men, they did something catastrophic to me. They were violent with me. They may have done it to other women too, I don’t know. No idea. They all lead very different lives. And they are all free. And I still suffer.
You think that you’re protecting yourself when you don’t report. But maybe in the long run it starts to get to you. Maybe I’m starting to feel that way. I mean there’s no way in hell I would have been able to handle reporting any of the incidences to police and going through with a trial. The process would be horrific, long, and unfulfilling. I would probably kill myself if I ever reported to police. I don’t think I’d live through that. And that is why I never reported. Well, one of the reasons. But an important one.
Do I wish my rapists could somehow be punished? Sure. I’m still suffering. They get to go on with their lives. And forget about me altogether.
It’s all good. I really don’t mind.
Even one of my quotes is paraphrased in his article. The thing that I wrote was too long so he had to compress it. And I don’t mind because I still wrote it. (This was a quote that I had written, not spoken.)
Also, if I do decide to speak at Senator Gilibrand’s next press conference for the bipartisan act, then I will briefly mention ALL of my experiences. How I came across so many other survivors and heard of other rapes. And that’s how I know campuses are underreporting and that students are terrified to come forward because of the reality of the culture we live in.
It’s okay. This was just one of my stories. And the author chose to focus on one aspect of that story.
I have a lot of stories to be told. And it might be overwhelming for an article to cover all of them and to make some sort of a point.
My blog is for the bulk of my stories. If I wrote a book, that would be for my stories. If I wrote my own fucking article, that’d have my stories. My reasonings for not reporting. What it’s like knowing they’re all free.
I am pissed. But you have to explain calmly and clearly what happened to a reporter. When telling your story to somebody who has to get the facts straight it’s best to be calm and clear. I was very unhappy the whole time. But this article did not focus on my emotions. I did tell the guy that I ODed a few days after the rape. That wasn’t mentioned. It was simply about how the school did something that I did not want it to do. And I did write up an account of what happened, because I did figure that if they are going to investigate it, it might as well be done right. I knew that there was a very small possibility that my rapist would be punished. That’s how schools work. Even when I was doing things “correctly” for the process they were fucking up nonstop and I still kept bringing it up whenever I could that I didn’t even want this to happen in the first place. Before I knew that they questioned my rapist I told them to “STOP.” I remember that being in caps.
This writer didn’t focus on the No Contact Order, just mentioned it, showed an image of it, and didn’t explain how it was blackmailing me to remain silent. The Washington Post wants to take up that aspect if they do my story at all now. They’re intimidated now that there is a story out at all. But I told the Huff Post that the Wash Post wants to cover the No Contact Order. Or wanted to. I told her/Wash Post that she and her editors can still do my story if they’re willing, because I am willing. If they do, I want them to focus on the No Contact Order, my emotional state, the fucking fact that I needed a dog… and I do want to bring up what happened to me at SU. I just don’t know how they’ll tie all that together. They just will somehow.
The fact that it said that I reported the school shows that I am upset with them and that I know that they screwed me over. I still want my school to pay. But that’s through the investigation process. And by my giving them bad publicity.
I must say that it feels really good to be quoted in a serious article. And that I pursued this.