Still can’t sleep.
[TW] Trigger Warning. This is where survivors of rape/abuse/assault may come and share their stories. I myself am a survivor of rape, abuse, and assault. I currently suffer from PTSD. The Ask Box is ALWAYS open; anon or not. Please share what's on your mind. I am here to help.
Still can’t sleep.
And I want to self harm.
Not a good combination.
RAINN defines “rape” as “forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.”
You’re not lying or overreacting about what happened to you. He sexually assaulted you. It was clearly assault. You did not want to engage in that type of behavior and you made that very obvious to him. He decided to take advantage and continue to do what he wanted. And that is not okay. He hurt you.
You are allowed to be hurt and upset. Even unstable.
When you said you were “fine” that did not undo all of the times that you said no and when you tried to get him away. That doesn’t undo his actions.
I kissed my first rapist on the lips after I was raped. It made sense at the time. Did that make the rape okay? Did that mean all of the times that I said no that night could just be forgotten about? Am I overreacting? Fuck no. And neither are you.
This is part of healing. Sometimes we blame ourselves. We think that maybe we could just make it all go away. But it doesn’t erase the past. A crucial part of the healing process is knowing that what happened to you was not at all your fault, and knowing that what they did to you was both wrong and illegal.
If you feel like you’re ever doubting yourself, you just need to say to yourself “I have every right to be feeling this way.” Or “it wasn’t my fault.” It’s going to feel like a war in your head. But after a while it may help. I know that it helped me over a period of time.
I am glad that you have a friend in mind that you’ll talk to about it.
I hope it all works out!
It actually does sound like rape. You were uncomfortable with it the whole time, you were clearly in pain, and you were yelling at her to stop. Sure, it wasn’t “sex,” but rape can be done with objects, too. Not just body parts. And people often forget that.
I am sorry that happened to you. It sounds just awful.
You should try to talk to somebody. Maybe your dad would be a supportive ally? Or somebody else? I’m not sure if you’d want to talk to your mom about it. That’s always an option. But I’m not exactly sure how well that’d go.. So talk to somebody else. And maybe that person could talk to your mom. If you’d want them to, that is.
There’s nothing wrong with writing poetry when you’re feeling hurt.
But yeah, talking can be beneficial. It is hard to find the right people to talk to about it. I myself don’t have friends that I go to when I’m upset with something rape-related. But I can tell them about it after the fact.
It’s scary to open up to somebody and to feel like they’re going to judge you. They might not know what to do with what you tell them. They might say something stupid.
But if it’s something that you think that you want to try, then maybe you should. Go to your friend, or whoever it was that you told, when you are upset or having a flashback, and just see how they handle it. If they’re supportive and helpful then that’s a good thing. If not, then you know not to talk to them about it again, or at least not in the same way.
Talking to people online (like me) is also very helpful. I go to people on tumblr when I get upset. I talk it out. I say things that I find it very difficult to say in real life. It also helps that I don’t know them in real life.
But it is awesome that you were finally able to open up after 12 years! Maybe you’ll do it some more!
I’m sorry! That must be so upsetting and frustrating.
Practicing mindfulness exercises, yoga, and meditation should help with the anxiety and panic attacks over time. It requires patience and a lot of practice.
I’m not sure if you have a therapist, but if you do, then have them help you with this. EMDR could be very helpful for you. Medication, too.
It does suck though, seeing the perpetrator live without consequence, while we suffer. Because of something they did to us.
Have you opened up to anyone outside of therapy? I could understand not wanting to for various reasons, but if there is anyone who you trust to be compassionate, it might help to talk about it in a non-professional setting.
It might also be an idea to maybe look for a new therapist? It can be really hard to find a professional that we feel can help us through hard times. PTSD is a difficult illness to have and it can take a long time to be able to get it under some control. Does your current therapist specialize in treatment of PTSD? If not, it might be an idea to get a referral to a therapist that does.
You probably already know this, but these are the current treatments available (in case you haven’t been exposed to one or some of these yet):
- Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy for PTSD and trauma involves carefully and gradually “exposing” yourself to thoughts, feelings, and situations that remind you of the trauma. Therapy also involves identifying upsetting thoughts about the traumatic event–particularly thoughts that are distorted and irrational—and replacing them with more balanced picture.
- Family therapy. Since PTSD affects both you and those close to you, family therapy can be especially productive. Family therapy can help your loved ones understand what you’re going through. It can also help everyone in the family communicate better and work through relationship problems caused by PTSD symptoms.
- Medication is sometimes prescribed to people with PTSD to relieve secondary symptoms of depression or anxiety. Antidepressants such as Prozac and Zoloft are the medications most commonly used for PTSD. While antidepressants may help you feel less sad, worried, or on edge, they do not treat the causes of PTSD.
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation, such as hand taps or sounds. Eye movements and other bilateral forms of stimulation are thought to work by “unfreezing” the brain’s information processing system, which is interrupted in times of extreme stress.
And please, please remember that what happened to you was not your fault. It’s never the victim’s fault. Other people can control their actions and it is NOT your responsibility to know or control what they are going to do. You’re not to blame.
If you ever need to let anything go, you can come here and say whatever you need to. You can ask for advice or just vent. There will always be people willing to listen and care.
Maybe I should do decaf. I can’t do hot cocoa in the morning, I’ve always found that it makes my stomach really hurt.
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — George Zimmerman asked a judge on Monday to change the terms of his bond so he can have contact with the girlfriend he’s accused of assaulting.
Zimmerman filed an affidavit from his girlfriend that says she doesn’t want him charged with aggravated assault, battery and criminal mischief.
In the signed affidavit, Samantha Scheibe — referring to Zimmerman as “my boyfriend” — said that detectives misinterpreted what she said and that she hasn’t been coerced into the request.
Zimmerman was arrested last month after Scheibe accused him in a call to 911 of pointing a gun at her, smashing a coffee table and pushing her outside. Zimmerman also called dispatchers, denied pointing a gun at her and blamed her for the broken table.
"I am not afraid of George in any manner and I want to be with him," Scheibe said in the affidavit.
Prosecutors could continue with the case despite Scheibe’s request.
Lynne Bumpus Hooper, a spokeswoman for the State Attorney’s Office, said in an email that prosecutors can and have gone on in domestic cases without victim cooperation.
She said prosecutors take into account the victim’s wishes, law enforcement reports, physical evidence, other witnesses, victim credibility, defendant statements, 911 calls and medical records. But she also said a case becomes more difficult to prove if prosecutors don’t have a victim’s testimony and he or she is the only witness.
Zimmerman’s Miami-based defense lawyer, Jayne Weintraub, said in a phone interview that her motion focuses on getting rid of the no-contact order between Zimmerman and Scheibe but that she wants the State Attorney’s Office to reconsider the entire case in light of Scheibe’s statement.
"I’m hoping that the prosecutors will take a good hard look at this and take the target off of George’s back and drop the charges," Weintraub said.
She said a hearing will be scheduled in the near future to discuss the motion and affidavit.
Zimmerman was acquitted of any crime last summer in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin.